Lifestyle: Useful Cigar Retorts – Use as Needed!

So, you are tired of hearing those words everywhere you go? You know the ones; that stinks, can you move away, your cigar smoke is bothering me, that is offensive, etc. Well, we at Stogie Press are here to help you retort those comments. We know sometimes you have to be diplomatic about responding, so read on and if the retort fits, try it once in a while.

Boston Jimmie favicon


  • Is it the smoke that bothers you, or the sight of someone enjoying him or herself?
  • What a coincidence! You’re the third person to ask me that — oh, it’s you again.
  • Gosh darling, our first fight, and just think we’ll be able to repeat it every time I light up.
  • My cigar is beautifully made, gives pleasure, and is silent. You, on the other hand, possess two of these virtues.
  • Your advances are untimely and unexpected, but not unwelcome. Perhaps after I’ve finished my cigar.
  • Sir, we are both blowing smoke, but I at least have the courtesy to be smoking a fine cigar.
  • Any other last requests?
  • I’ve often wondered which is ruder; smoking a cigar or interrupting a total stranger.
  • Think of me as a grenade. Well punk, do you feel lucky today? Is he a dud or a live grenade? Go ahead, pull my pin.
  • I Can’t hear you, I’ve got a cigar in my mouth.
  • Your growth is already stunted, don’t worry about mine.
  • Let me know if there’s anything you enjoy, I’ll come around and ask you to stop.
  • Doctors say people with sensitive noses are sexually repressed. Kiss me.
  • How ironic.. I lit this to keep you away.
  • Does the smoke bother your nose job?
  • I’m just doing this to keep bugs away. Guess it isn’t working.
  • If I do, what will it leave you to whine about.
  • I’s like to help you out. It’s just that you caught me at a hard time..I’m smoking a cigar right now.
  • God, I admire people who aren’t afraid to be disliked.
  • Mmmm, Every time I light up, somebody asks me that
  • Don’t you know I only have a week to live? Who put you up to this?
  • Why? Are you waiting around for the butt?
  • Put out that food. I’m trying to smoke. Pass me your plate?
  • I hear you. I know where you’re coming from. I just cant get behind it.
  • You must have a lot to think about.

Try them out, pass them to your cigar friends. They work especially well when the person asking you is a stanky cigarette smoker.

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